Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Popular media seems to have been full of soft porn for women, from the now infamous Fifty Shades of Gray to the men’s water polo in the Olympics to Magic Mike. It all feels a bit hypocritical, attacking men for enjoying the female form whilst women are only just now embracing the male form.

In particular this bothers me since it seems all about the hype for women. Fifty Shades of Gray has sold more copies than all the Harry Potter books combined yet an astounding only 1/10 have finished the book (also does anyone else find it creepy that Kobe is recording how people read?). Magic Mike has been a hit with women but only for two or three weeks, before it has quickly been moved aside for new films.

The Magic Mike Movie Poster

What bothers me is not that women are embracing their sexuality, it is that they are doing it because it’s trendy to do so. An hypocrisy has developed because of it, which makes the whole matter worse. A woman’s sexuality, and anyone’s sexuality, should be something that is not altered by the opinions or those around of them. Seeing Magic Mike, I was disappointed in the film’s plot that let a young man’s life spiral out of control with not resolution in the end. When I told my brother this, he told me, the film isn’t supposed to be about a good plot but about men being naked on the screen. Yet, even that was disappointing. I wasn’t tantalized, I wasn’t wowed by the dances or the gorgeous bodies, I wasn’t anything when watching Magic Mike. I was at least expecting to be embarrassed that there was a man watching in the audience with me. Even the hot males seemed to be geared towards how a male would respond to hot women, showing sexy dances that I would expect a women, not a man to be doing. This bothered me even more because of how the female characters were portrayed. There were women that were treated as silent objects that liked to be touched, women that slept around and then, of course, the screaming hysterical women when the male strippers came out. Can I just say, if a male stripper picked me up on stage and started dry-humping me, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t even realize strippers were allowed to or wanted to touch their clients. I guess that’s a big no for me ever going to a male strip-club.

What did make me semi-like the film was the end, when the male stripper proves that he can be so much more than a male stripper. The woman he is in love with, who has been ignoring his subtle hints throughout the film, finally accepts him, but only once he turns his life around. She seems to be the only female character with a head on her shoulders and actually holds up a decent role model.

What I want to say is that there is still something wrong in the new-found female sexuality. It’s that it’s not driven by women who are actually embracing their sexuality. It is about the appearance of embracing their sexuality but is it leading to anything useful? Is a post-Fifty Shades of Grey world going to be more conducive environment to being open about female sexuality? Probably not since Fifty Shades is all about a man dominating a woman. What I want is a fad that will actually help women get what they want, not put them back.

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Men get a lot of bad press when it comes to pleasing women sexually. In fact, I can think of several people who have personally said to me that men do not know how to satisfy a woman (including my own mother in a very cringeworthy moment). And there is some truth to this statement. Most men don’t know what most women want. But neither do most women.

Pleasing a woman in the bedroom compared to men is much more difficult. Men know what they like and don’t have much trouble finding out. They tend to figure that  out in their early teens when something all of the sudden starts random sticking up and causing endless embarrassment. For women, it’s a different. Why? Because, to put it bluntly, women don’t wank. For women, it’s not about going as fast and as hard as you can to come. It’s about being gentle, being sensitive and being in the right mood. It’s a lot easier finding out that it feels nice down there with someone who loves and cares about you rather than alone in your own bedroom. For some women, it takes time and experimentation to enjoy sex, as well as getting past the fear of sex itself.

So when people tell me, men don’t satisfy women or my man doesn’t satisfy me, my immediate thought is, but do you satisfy you? Obviously a man won’t know what a woman likes unless she tells him. And she won’t know until she tries different things or atleast honest enough to say, this isn’t work. And it all comes back to one thing: being open about sex. If you can’t talk about it, most of all to your partner, and you are too scared to investigate further into new techniques, how are you going to like it? How will he know to do something? It’s not about trying bondage but realizing that some get turned on by being kissed on the neck and others prefer being in control. How would you know if you never explored beyond the basic missionary? If you don’t know how to please yourself, no man ever can.

The problem with openness about sex is that society is not open enough. Yes, there is porn on the internet and sex shows if you want it. But who is teaching the scared 16 year old how to make sure she enjoys her first sexual experience? And who is talking to the 50 year old to show that she shouldn’t give up on sex quite yet, maybe her husband can please her after all? When sex is a taboo subject, which it still seems to be with women but less so with men, enjoying it and taking the time to find out how to enjoy it are more elusive.

This realisation has bothered me for a while. It sprung up again when  I spoke to a friend of mine who swore that all men were terrible in bed and she had decided to become lesbian. Women must know how to please other women, she stated. Apparently the lesbian experience didn’t. satisfy her either Maybe she should have some time alone, or with just one person, to find out what she truly likes.

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Sex Education

Let’s talk about something that makes people squirm. Let’s talk about something that people in fact love. Let’s talk about something that we should be more open about. That’s right. Sex. S-E-X. Let’s be honest here. I like it, you like it, the majority of people like it. So why are so afraid of talking about it?

I’ve noticed in the past couple months that I am very open about sex. That is in comparison to my counterparts. I am not afraid to admit that I’ve done it and that I like it but this admission seems to be even too great for some of my friends. I have a problem with this. Sex is something that we all do. Not only that but people need to be taught about sexual health in order to stay protected from sexual disease, pregnancy and also learn how to enjoy it.

Historically, I can understand why sex would be a taboo subject. Without contraception, or at least reliable contraception, society had to put something in place to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Making sex a taboo subject and discouraging it would have reduced people treating sex lightly. But that is not the society we live in now. Women do not have to worry anymore about getting pregnant without multiple forms of contraceptions. Instead, societies stigmatization of sex is harming young adults who do not know what they are doing and either place themselves at risk or do not make the best choices for themselves.

I have seen this through my friends who are having their first sexual experiences. Embarrassed to talk about it, they come to me as one of the few people open about the subject. What I have realized are that my friends are scared and embarrassed because they do not know what they are doing. But on top of that, they are not staying properly protected because they do not think if the male partner has not come or one of those urban legends of standing up whilst having sex will prevent pregnancy. These are intelligent, young women. They are not stupid. They are just not well educated about sex. On the other end of the spectrum, several of my friends have asked me about going on the pill. Most of these friends are virgins. I always hesitate to answer because of the simple fact that I am not an expert. How am I supposed to know whether the pill, the condom or something else would be better for my friend? I get the feeling that because so many sexually active young women are on the pill that other women want to be on it as well. But contraception is personal. As long as it’s contraception. And am I hesitant on suggesting to a virgin to go on the pill? To be perfectly honest, yes. Because the simple fact is that I would worry that she would feel that she could lose her virginity since she is on the pill anyway when she is not emotionally ready. Sex is a personal experience, doing whatever everyone else is doing is not the answer.

Society needs to be more open about sex. How are we going to properly educate people to protect themselves otherwise?

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Winter clothing

A few months ago, before the snow had started falling and the cold had taken its firm grasp over campus, a male friend of mine stated that he hated the winter because girls started to wear sweatpants and large, comfy clothing and stopped caring about their looks. I meekly agreed, partly agreeing, partly not thinking about what I was agreeing to. Ever since, what he said has bothered me.

Now let me be honest, I hate sweatpants and sweatshirts. Those large, baggy items of clothing that people wear like their life depended on it drive me insane. There is no love for your body, no creativity and most of all, no fun. In a packed lecture halls, it makes me sad to see people not caring about their appearance, mostly because I care about mine. So when my male friend made this statement, I agreed because I don’t think wearing sweatpants is a good look.

As a woman, it is easy to obsess over your appearance because of the constant supply of magazines and advertisements telling you that you have to be pretty. Watch a film and everyone is beautiful. Look at celebrities and they are gorgeous. Pick up a magazine and it tells you how to be a more beautiful you. I may have succumbed to that culture. But more than that, I am a person of fashion. This means that I make an effort with the clothes I wearing, ignoring comfort for the sake of adventure in clothing. I wear shorts (with tights) in the winter because it works well with my top and walk around campus in a massive (fake) white fur coat. I enjoy following fashion because it is fun and poses a challenge each day to think of something new and creative. It brightens my day. Naturally, I want it to do the same for those around me. But my friend was not discussing fashion when he made his statement.

Instead, my friend meant to say that he disliked these articles of clothing because they make women appear more unattractive. Oversized sweaters hide their bodies and sweatpants makes it look like they don’t care about looking good. The way he made is statement made me realize afterwards that he meant that women were  less sexy and that he had less eye candy during the winter. During the summer months, as it heats up, girls drop the sweaters and sweatpants for short shorts and tank tops. Sometimes, little is left to the imagination. My friend enjoys seeing girls in skimpy outfits. It is not the confidence women take on that he enjoys but watching and in a way objectifying them.

It didn’t start annoying me until later, when our friendship disintegrated. Maybe this is just an agenda against him. But the truth is, that although I love fashion, I understand where those girls are coming from. I don’t wear short shorts and tank tops during the winter but snow and cold haven’t stopped me from wearing skirts, dresses and tight leggings. When it is as cold as it is here in Boston (it was -9 C today) with ice covering the ground and snow everywhere, it makes sense to wear your practical snowboats, warm but huge winter coat and warm clothing. It makes sense that all you want to wear is an oversized sweater; your concern isn’t about what boys are thinking about you as you sit in class but about being warm. So would mine if I didn’t love fashion so much. In many ways, I think my friend was wrong in what he said because he was admitting to objectifying women for their appearance. Nothing surprisingly really.

Maybe I still don’t like sweatpants and maybe I do still wish people would take more care in their appearance but I see now that an objection to it during weather this cold is wrong.

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